BY JEN OLENICZAK BROWN

You’ve been told that you’re too much.

You’re too emotional.

You just need to calm down.

If you weren’t so sensitive.

So loud.

So abrasive.

I’ve heard it all. I’m often too much of something for someone else. For a long time, I used to think something was wrong with me. If only I weren’t so direct, then people wouldn’t tell me I was too much, and I would be like everyone else.

Now, I’ve been told I’m “too much” since I was a kid. It took me well into my 30s to realize this isn’t my problem: it’s someone else’s issue. If you’re struggling with the same kind of feedback from people in your life, here are a few ways I realized that “too much” wasn’t the problem and how I dealt with it:

Check In

When someone says you’re “too much” of something – or really any of the things that I listed above (or anything that kind of sounds like it) how do you feel? And how did you feel when you were being “too much”? If you were comfortable, happy, joyful, the best version of you – and someone says something, it might very well be their own insecurities and have absolutely nothing to do with you.

Consider the source…

 Who told you this? Do they have a reason to feel like this? Take a few moments to reflect on what’s going on in their lives. Is there a reason they might not be comfortable with you being yourself? Are they playing small, or living for someone other than themselves? 

…and your journey

 Where have you been? Have you started feeling more confident, more excited about your life, or even more like yourself? Something I hear a lot: when a person in your life changes in any way, it’s like a dance partner changing the steps. It’s going to take a bit of time for your partner(s) to catch up, and sometimes, they don’t like the new dance.

Keep your goal in sight.

The world is changing for women. I think, now more than ever, we’re getting permission to truly be ourselves. One of the beautiful parts of modern-day feminism: you shouldn’t tell another woman how to woman, and they shouldn’t tell you how to woman. If you’re working on being the best version of yourself, and someone is telling you “Wait, not like that!” there’s a big possibility that they are not looking towards your goals: they are basing what you’re doing off of what they think they should be doing. Keep yours in mind.

Create Boundaries or Cut Ties

 I think there are two ways to deal with people who think you’re shining a bit too brightly. Boundaries are the first: you can limit the time you spend with that person or how you interact with them. Remember, boundaries aren’t there to make anyone feel good: they are there to keep you safe. Set some boundaries with this person if you still need them in your life.

If all else fails, there is little more to do than to cut ties with a person who believes you should be playing smaller than you’d like to play. While walking away from a person is never fun, sacrificing who you are and who you’d like to be is far less fun – and far less fair.

When we are being the best versions of ourselves, the people around us should see the joy and authenticity that is only present when people are achieving that truth. Shine bright, supernova. You do not need to be a beige, square peg version of yourself.